Yesterday was a bad day all around. Our site was down. It was cold, windy and rainy. I hadn’t packed a raincoat or an umbrella in my big ol’ suitcase because I never looked beyond the Martha’s Vineyard weekend forecast (which until Sunday morning was absolutely perfect). I have no warm clothes to wear to work again today and only one pair of closed-toe shoes: brown pumps. The pumps do not match my only pair of dress pants. They are navy blue.
I left my house at 5am last Wednesday and I arrive home at 12am tonight (technically tomorrow). I’m already anticipating flight delays because the weather this morning looks a lot like yesterday’s. Crummy. I really don’t wish to spend the night in JFK terminal in a skirt and brown pumps and I forgot my headphones. I’m tired from traveling and have no time to even call my mom.
Before we moved, life was easier. I can’t believe I am saying this because, well, life was supposed to get easier after our move. We’d have family around to help us! My husband would also be working from home! No more commutes for either of us!
Right now, though, life is hard. For the first time since June 18th, I uttered the words “I wish we never moved.” I was sitting at my desk, in my familiar office, coworkers nearby in the production suite. Suddenly I was overcome by the fact that nothing in my life is how I want it right now. I miss my friends. When I’m on the road I miss my kids and husband. And right now I really miss my old house and neighborhood.
I saw several dear friends this trip, and I know that’s contributing to my feeling of loss and longing. On Sunday night there were tears when I dropped my friend Tina at the bus station. “When will we see each other again?” she asked.
“Soon,” I said.
“Like when?” She’s on a two-month sabbatical with her husband (we dubbed it Eat, Pray, Love: Married Edition) and heading to New Zealand. When she returns my assignment in Boston will be over.
“I honestly don’t know.”
Then last night I got together with Kristin and the ladies from my old neighborhood. As Kristin and I embraced good-bye in the parking lot, rain pouring down, we both started to weep.
“No tears!” I said.
“Yeah, right,” she said, wiping her cheeks. “It’s not like I won’t talk to you on Wednesday.”
Back at my friend’s house near Boston I tried to end my pity party with a call home. Mike and I chatted about the boys, their school assignments (which mean nothing to me since I don’t know these teachers) and our plans for the weekend. When I hung up, I reminded myself that this travel schedule is temporary and that I will feel more settled…eventually.
Right now the impatient woman inside me just wants it to be easier and yet that’s not my reality. I know I should be thankful I have a job. Thankful I have healthy kids and a nice house to live in. Thankful I have a supportive husband who can easily handle the home front while I’m gone.
And thankful, too, for the many dear friends I’ve made over the years and for the new friends I have yet to meet.
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28 Responses to Longing for the Way it Used to Be
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Erin‚ that almost made me cry! Like I can feel your hurt through your words. The past few weeks as I’ve been listening to your podcast I noticed that you have been traveling a lot and I wondered if it was temporary. It would be so hard to be away from home so much! Maybe that is why you feel a disconnection from everything because you’ve been traveling so much recently. You need a solid few weeks at your new home to adjust. It would be really difficult to leave such a cute house & wonderful friends in Mass, but you’re so friendly and funny… you’ll have great friends in no time! Hugs!!!
I meant meeting new great friends in Rochester!
Feel for you. I could have written this post myself, sans travelling though. Moving is hard hard hard. But we will all make it. Adjustment is never easy. I keep telling myself this when I stare at another packet of chocolates and wonder where they all went.
I’m waving the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep looking you’ll see it.
Erin- this to shall pass. Just try to remember it is temporary.
For some reason, saying good-bye last night did seem harder than even when you left this summer!
Maybe it’s because I know you are going to be visiting Boston less and less in the future. Or because the reality that you are no longer living down the street, and that your family is no longer part of the fabric of our neighborhood, is finally sinking in.
For your sake, I do hope things start to settle down and that you feel more “at home” in your new home.
But I still miss you much.
Erin, this made me cry. Change is hard. I think we often forget just how hard until we are faced with it. I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time. I hope things settle down and you find comfort in your new house/neighborhood.
Erin….this made me cry….yet again!!! I feel for you, but do feel that once the kids are settled in school that you will develop your new group of “Rochester friends”! They may not be your Ashland friends or it may take a while but I’m sure life will settle for you!
We love you and miss you!
Going through this hard time, will only make you stronger and your relationships with the friends you won’t get to see as often more imprortant to you.
<3 It will all work out.
Erin, Hugs! I’m going through this with you (my own move, isolation… all of it). Listening to you and Kristin talk I think, wow she’s having a great move experience. I’m envious.
Yesterday my son’s girlfriend sent me a homemade gift that brought me to tears. I miss them so much.
It’s important to remember why we moved (you, me and all those who have mentioned moving in 2010) – I hope in 6 mths time we will all be settled, getting lots of sleep, developing good support systems and finding friends!
I wish you a wonderful travel day today – PLEASE treat yourself to earbuds, and download a favorite TV show to watch in the air!
Hugs, Mari
Erin, I really feel for you. All change is hard, even change that is good for you. I resigned my job to stay home with the kids in June because it was getting way too hard keeping up with everything on my own and working full time. I know in the long run this is going to make my life easier, but I’m having a tough time adjusting. Listening to Manic Mommies and hearing other mom’s stories helps me remember that I’m not totally alone. Thanks for all you do and I hope things get better for you soon.
Erin, feeling your pain, empathizing big time, crying at my desk, and sending you big hugs. That’s all.
You must be totally exhausted. Things will be so much better once you are rested and can make your new home “home”.
Hang in there.
Hi Erin, I feel your pain. One year ago today we signed away our old house to move a thousand miles away to a new city and a new job for my husband. I really, really miss our old house, old neighborhood, my parents, friends, the list continues, and my pity party continues. I don’t want to seem ungrateful for all of God’s blessings, but I too have a ‘longing for the way it used to be’. It will get better, just the ups and downs of life!
Erin, Thanks for sharing this. I feel your pain and reading it I feel less alone. We just moved too and not where we thought we were going to either. A job did not work out and we are living my parents (in their spacious home so that is not the issue). But I hear your lament that nothing in life is where or how you want it to be right now. I feel the same way with little power to change it in the immediate future. Thank you for writing this down and sharing I certainly do hope that with time you will not regret this move and will come to be at peace.
Erin, it’s me, Elizabeth, your former Boston colleague who moved across the coutry and remarried. My moving to Seattle was supposed to be easier. Even with all the wonderful parts about it that I wouldn’t trade for a billion dollars, it’s been complicated and I’ve gone through tougher times than I’ve ever known. But you know, I’ve lived here 3+ years now and it’s really starting to feel like home. I actually used to live in Rochester, NY as a kid and when I moved to Boston right before 12th grade I thought I’d miss Rochester forever. Over the years Boston became my beloved home and when I moved to Seattle I thought I’d miss Boston forever. I’m still in the ‘missing it’ stage but it does get easier and easier. Which in itself is wonderful and sad. Hang in there!
Thanks for posting this. Hugs to you Erin and to all the transitioned/transitioning moms. So… what’s wrong with navy blue slacks and brown pumps? the shoes match and the slacks are clean/zipper or buttons not broken. It looks good to me. Take a breath and take care. What you and Kristin do on the podcast/website to help us through our manic mom hours/days/weeks/months… I say “thank you.”
Your bravery in putting these kind of emotions out there, I applaud. If it makes you feel any better, there are moments when, as the one left and life goes on, it is just as heartbreaking. Or when you realize that the people you see day to day, are just not the ones who you really want around you or that the ones you do are so damn far away. Thanks, as always, for all you do.
Miss you and your whole family too Erin. Hope you are home safe and can take life a little easier–you’ve been on the road a long time! I’ve seen a brown Honda Pilot twice in the last few days and think of you all! Love to you, Mike, Tommy and B:)
You are not alone – life IS just too hard these days. We are expected, and sometimes expect of ourselves, to do too much. I sense a huge difference this year – we as individuals and families have to give too much to keep our jobs, pay our bills and keep life okay. Know that you’re not alone and life really is sucky right now, really is harder than it should be. In your case it sounds like once your Boston work is complete your life in NY will come together and make sense. You will receive enjoyment from the move then. Just hold on a few more weeks. My thoughts are with you!
Thinking of you. I can hear the exhaustion, stress and frustration in your post. It will all pass as you are able to take time for yourself in your new surroundings.
Do you see your schedule easing up at any time? I thought when you moved that you’d only be traveling back to BOS – all the other places definitely take a toll on you.
I was away recently for two weeks with the kids and after just one night in the hotel (to break up the drive), I was out of sorts. I can’t imagine the amount of traveling you’ve been doing. No wonder you had no idea where you were!
Raising my glass of wine with you!
Go get a drink. Makes everything better.
From a mom who moved to St Louis three years ago from Syracuse, NY. I will tell you…it will definitely get better. It took about a year and a half to start feeling connected to the area. It seemed like a long time, but you know when I realized I had adjusted….when my family went on vacation to NY/VT and after visiting we were happy to go home. (to St. Louis)
Thanks gals for all the support. I wrote this post before a friend picked me up to go to the office yesterday morning. After publishing it I received a text from her saying she was running late because her daughter was having a meltdown about going to camp.
I responded, “Oh NO! So am I!” (having a meltdown, that is). I got home at 1:30am last night after two flight delays and when I went in to kiss the boys they each woke up and smiled at me like I was some sort of angel in the night. It was pretty damn cute. And in a simple moment all of my worries were washed away. For the time being, anyway!
I remember thinking, why is Erin’s husband making her move? But after learning HE was life-coached into finding that “this was his destiny” it made much more sense. I’m sure it was not an easy decision for him either. You are a great wife and mom to go along for the ride, I’m sure it was a difficult decision. But as you said, all the travel will be over soon, and you can get back to making a new life in a great new house with, what seems like, great support from your husband’s family. Best of luck!
Erin, I think it’s great that you are sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly truth about moving, leaving, starting a new life in a new place… it ISN’T easy and it’s bullsh$$ to say that it is. I think people need to hear that it’s hard, and I think you are brave to say it out loud! And: hang in there! Sending hugs your way.
Erin
I understand your pain – that was me exactly two years ago except we didn’t even have family here and the move was for my job. You have my number – why don’t you call? That is why back in early spring I reached out to you. I didn’t and don’t want you to go through what I went through moving to the area. Please call me anytime (or text)…seriously.
Your (new) friend!
I just keep thinking that everything happens for a reason, and that the biggest regrets we have in life are about the things we DON’T do…the “what if I…” moments. Have faith that something wonderful is in store for you and your family that may not have ever occured if you hadn’t tried life in Rochester. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself about our move to MA from NH. It’s not easy, and some days are much harder than others. We need to expect that for a while, I think. (And hope that our family and friends can put up with our cantankerous moods when we have those moments where it all seems to be just a bit too much.) Ironic, how our lives are truly being lived in parallel right now. I feel your pain, but we’ll lean on each other and get through it. Love you, sis.. miss you like crazy, and can’t wait to see you in mid-September!
That DID make me cry! Wish I could give you a huge and tell you it’ll be ok.